Weird Movie Pitch: Wonder Woman
Black Panther has been breaking all the records, so we need to talk about Wonder Woman. Last month, I blew my allowance on the Oscar-winning fish-fucking movie (more about that later), which is why tonight I'm the last person to go see Black Panther for the first time. Several of you have assured me that it's a good movie, and while I've been trying to avoid the reviews, I have seen terms like "historic" and "revolutionary" being thrown around in the headlines. As much as I want to take your word for it, and even as I'm getting over the fact that this isn't a period piece about a gun-toting anti-imperialist community organizer in the late 60s, this coverage makes me a little nervous. And the reason I'm worried is last year's big superhyped "minority" hit Wonder Woman. US media called it a feminist milestone, "important" and "inspirational", while Iranian state television called it zionist war propaganda. So naturally I was excited, because zionist lady warmongering would be a welcome respite from the star-spangled macho warmongering of your average comic book flick. But Wonder Woman turned out to be as bland and pointless as any of its male-dominated predecessors, which I guess is in itself a kind of gender equality. It was just so disappointing. Gal Gadot was casting gold and I've been a fan from the second she sashayed into the Fast & Furious franchise, David Thewlis didn't ruin my favourite Harry Potter character, and Chris Pine made a more affable Captain Kirk than Shatner ever did, so it wasn't the lack of on-screen talent that made this movie so utterly forgettable. The only scene I remember is when all-American spy stud Chris Pine tries to do his seduction honeypot thing on the disfigured German chemical weapons designer lady, and he's getting somewhere before he is distracted by Gal Gadot in dazzling party frock. I think this scene stuck with me because it contains the seeds of a movie I would've liked to see instead. A movie in which Chris Pine forgets the OP beauty queen, stays on mission and sexes up the decrepit Dr. Poison for god, country and information. But because deep down he is as broken and twisted as she is, he falls in love with her dark genius, comes clean when it's time to terminate the operation, and tells her he's ready to defect. Only to find out, of course, that she knew who he was all along and was yankee-doodling him in the hopes he might be able to Operation Paperclip her out of a losing war and install her in a cushy R&D job at Dow Chemicals. Cue the tragic third act where Pine, heartbroken over all the spy games and deception, turns the extraction plane around last minute, leaves her behind at the airport against orders, and they both end up getting executed for treason. I understand a manipulative mass murderer isn't the best female role model, but I'm just sayin'- maybe being a strong woman doesn't mean getting handed all the power and beauty at birth, then stumbling through the world sans clue until things work out exactly like you always thought. That's just being Becky with the good hair. Uhm... it seems I'm mostly angry at this movie for how much it didn't represent me personally... But all I'm trying to say is I hope Black Panther doesn't suck. Because I'm really looking forward to some woke pan-African warmongering.
Documentary I want to see: Bombshell (2017)
I was a little bit hard on Wonder Woman this week, so let me signal some feminist virtue by pointing out that yesterday was International Women's Day and also the wider release date of a documentary about one of the most complex Hollywood ladies ever: Hedy Lamarr. The movie is called "Bombshell" and it's about one of those 40's studio babes who had a reputation for all kinds of salaciousness, but was also an inventor-engineer on the side, which only really came to light after she died in 2000 and reincarnated as a Tumblr meme. The internet will tell you she invented wifi, but it's more like she made some radio-wave thing for the Navy, which sounds way cooler and more ethically dubious. Yay for women doing war. Anyway, people feel sorry for her for having to hide her genius to play exotic sex kitten, which I never understood because how could you feel bad for someone who was good at sex AND science, which is two things more than I'm good at. But then this YouTube clip popped up when I was looking for the movie trailer, and I was reminded of how being a woman and being smart is like having two full-time jobs. It's just so degrading, having to sit there and be ogled by some drooling awkward weirdo and his side-kick Woody Allen, while all you want to talk about is one of the undoubtedely 15 awesome things you thought of while putting on your shoes that morning. I couldn't get through more than 3 minutes of this, I do hope it gets better. So, let me take a second for a drunken toast to all my brainy bitches out there: 🍸 may you always be blessed with as many orgasms as ideas... or, you know, whatever ratio between the two works for you 🍸
Coda: Slacker Barbie
Aaand… the perfect coda for this week in female role models. Apparently, Mattel is coming out with a “Shero” collection, a line of Barbie dolls based on real-life female “leaders”, including some French celebrity chef and, you guessed it, the director of Wonder Woman. After pointing out how much of a bummer this is, Colbert comes up with a Barbie that puts a little less pressure on its future female owner: “Doin’ her best”-Barbie, complete with sweatpants, unwashed hair and an “attainable” 2003 Mazda. Personally, I think the fact that she is trying already raises too many expectations. I would’ve preferred Slacker Barbie, because Success Barbie is a capitalist stooge and I’m not going to feel less marginalized until I’m represented by someone who spends most mornings hitting up her friends for a ride after waking up hung-over in a bathroom somewhere.